eCentral Business Show^©

How to succeed at mediation with Farley Tolpen

Wed 6:16am 06 Dec 2017
Podcast Audio


Farley Tolpen has successfully mediated 1000s of sceptical parties in his career and in this insightful video talks about how to succeed at mediation.

Video transcript: How to succeed in mediations is what we're talking about today on the e central business show. I'm John Nayler and I'm joined by John Farley toll booth from the the mediation experts that's correct Oh John Thank You Farley now CCD mediation is it is it a yoga pose or something like that that we're going to straighten the pose of the mediated or something are they it's a I called a yoga simply called the warrior pose where you're strong you're seven you're mindful you're calm you're compassionate you're empathetic and but you're and you're centered okay so until you say because I generally take that sort of attitude into a mediation that's right that's gonna be hard because you're angry yeah you've got principal on your side you're gonna win you're angry you're frustrated you're bitter you're sad you're in grief you're victimized you're any of those that's right you get all that well wrongly blind or targeted or some little harass them or it's unfair or it's it's that but by building the rapport with me the party building the rapport with me so if you're the party you're building it with me is you know that I will hear what you say okay I don't I don't accept to reject I acknowledge what you say but if you're organized and presented in a mindful way okay and you're not you cursing the other parties or party party or parties or and you're not you're centered with why you're at your position and you can explain it to me logically hmm mindfully calmly just difficult when you get in the middle of litigation oh he said she said that happened and I usually go like this it's this kind of thing you know I yes but you're saying so when you're in a mediation if you're approaching with Urso it's the thing it's probably pretty hard but get the mediator on side but exactly build the rapport with the mediator the mediators are human judges are human build the rapport with a mediator that you're trying you're working hmm you you do have your position and this is why you have your position but you you're willing to work it out but in in a fair way mmm okay so you should obviously take in a fair man of sort of fairness and in sort of the way you caps terms with when talking to the media out of you if you can and sometimes when you're talking private with the mediator you can open your heart mmm you don't have to be mindful and centered you can let it out hmm and you can explain the frustration anger bitterness ettus why the negative energies there why you've been aggrieved her whatever and then talk and and let them know but then realize that you're here to resolve this so how do we get how can we logically resolve this given your position in their position mm-hm and that's where the warrior pose comes in okay gonna be strong and Saturn as much as you can yeah okay and then what else beyond that like obviously you've already down the discovery we talked about in our video you're already built in rapport you've already discovered the facts and that's all things so I guess is it you know is it fair to say you probably should be factual and logical about the whole process as well or as much as you can yes so you you know because that's part of getting you on side if you can build a bit of a case and say well I feel this way and this is fair because that helps you well I mean yeah I understand the situation it doesn't because mediators are human if you're trying to work it out and it may or may not be reasonable but you're you're working towards resolution knowing that you can get there then you'll get the mediator on your side because the mediator wants to resolve I mean that's why I'm hired is to actively facilitate a conversation and if you're working with me and I can get the other party working with me we will get resolution mmm and because the way I look at it and the way I explain it to parties and why they should be mindful is this is not the Middle East crisis mm-hmm okay this is something to do with either money jobs estates construction whatever but it could be resolved there's nothing that can't be resolved in my mind yeah okay they have it's um stalling tips and that sort of thinking about mediation you know it is it you know I take it that there probably is something to be said for being on time dressing respectfully of standard yes I had one gentleman come to mediation and flip-flops in the shorts yeah I can't didn't you know this is a professional situation you're trying to resolve absolutely also sit near the mediator so when you come come in dress nice and conservative generally you know but and but you know nice casually dressed you don't normally need to wear a suit and tie hmm but look nice hmm be prepared because first impressions are a key this may be the first time the mediator has ever met you where you've ever met the mediator yeah okay so besides on the phone yeah and be prepared to listen hmm be prepared to make suggestions hmm and this is all hard John it's hard because yeah because people are in negative anger frustration bitterness sadness grief they're you know that the emotions have taken over a lot of the time yeah sure even if you're dealing with just money it's still somebody's aggrieved and when they're aggrieved and they're either in there or it conflict there are issues over values or judgments or what-have-you who think they're very positional official so building the rapport with me and I'm impartial will help me make my job easier to actively facilitate a resolution of the matter sure sure sure they all got out the question given we're now in the social revolution yes where's the telephone where's a smartphone in these situations is that leave your phone outside I mean obviously you don't want someone in the room gone he's still being an asshole you know no tag you've had it oh yeah I had a guy do it he was facebooking while we were in mediation we didn't know it till later oh he's plugging away oh look he's giving a blood by blood yes on Facebook and I didn't find this out till later that's an or one time I found out a party was taping it and so when when I'm going through at a mediation I'm going through our roles I talk about confidentiality don't tape it turn off your phones put them away we're here for X number of hours you've agreed that you agree will no longer necessary yeah and this is all confidential hmm what's said here stays here don't leave it don't take it anywhere else no you're don't tell your work colleagues mmm don't tell your partner you know tell your hopefully in tow Tommy went well it didn't go well yeah stay away from the details leave use leave that untidy thing that you've never resolved leave it behind you as in that room and move on yeah Vaughn and that's why it's a great turn of works because you can resolve conflict because at the end of the day nobody really likes conflict hmm except I do it keeps me employed otherwise what would I do John retail I don't know yeah I'm not your father I don't know you had thought I'm coming to come here on the business show but that's right I'm sure there's another career if you look hard enough but anyway those we're out of time a really valuable thing even that just that little nugget about the smartphone type stuff and the confidentialities that's gold you know oh yeah then at all until we were talking but anyway thank you very much your time there how do people find you again okay WWV mediation experts comm got a you and then finally tell putting a fabulous time to have thank you very much governor on the central business show thank you John that's happening that's enough for today I'm John nayler